Panic set in, the fearful emotions played center stage. And I sat right here, lost and confused. Too tired to find useful employment – yet, too energized to drift into my pillow. Yeah, maybe it was the full moon.
Maybe it’s the hollow “likes” on facebook that fueled my misguided sense of self-importance. Maybe those meaningless clicks meant too much to me: Clinging to each one. Or it could be that all those “likes” and quick clicks…are sincere, yet people can’t afford to come? Maybe it’s not about me at all.
I don’t know how to be successful. I’m fragile and usually at the mercy of my emotions. Not a good combination when one is self-employed. Motivation, at times, is totally unattainable for me. Stale and lifeless, I’ll sit for hours. In the past when life has become this flat for me, I’d run away, taking a mental health break. That is no longer an option for me. How do I renew myself in the same atmosphere that drains me? I’ve always had the need to step out of my environment for a few minutes to ground myself.
For the last couple of years I’ve been on, what I call, a 3-month schedule. I can last about 3 months in one place…and then it’s time for change, soul searching, and quiet time. When I’ve returned – I’ve brought motivation with me. I’ve created some of my best work elsewhere. I need nature, the ocean, and the scent of wet moss, silence, and trees…
I wish with all my might I were one of those people that could push through uncomfortable times…and carry on. I’ve tried, I’m trying, but it doesn’t come. I’ve surrendered to my chemical make-up; I am who I am.