I cannot see myself continuing down this road of being an artist. My motivation is utterly crushed. A friend of mine is opening up a coffee shop – I went as far as to ask for a job. Not sure he’ll say ‘yes’ and give me a chance – because I don’t have a masters degree.
I’m foolish, I’m crazy.
If I want to continue down my chosen path – I need to get out of this hot urban setting. I seem to create from my true self – when I’m elsewhere. Alone – Nature and creating. It’s time for a renewal. Some people can do it from the inside out – I cannot.
I’m a runner. I’m a mover. Since my son left home –I haven’t been able to stay in one place for longer than three months. Trips, traveling and moving.
I’m heavy, I’m weary
I just can’t seem to find solid ground
I’m sinking, I’m drowning
I’ve got a lot of things to figure out…
Each morning I wake up with a heavy burden of dread and guilt. It’s getting worse. I need to see my doctor – but I have little faith in him anymore. I’m beyond a general practitioners realm. My doctor and I both know this – but without insurance- my options are limited.
I’m wandering, I’m crawling.
The meds always work…in the beginning. Six months – a year or two…sooner or later they run their course. And here I am. Back at step one. I’m tired of fighting, but I don’t know how to simply give up. What does that mean? What does that look like? Homeless and babbling to myself? Yeah, that sounds wonderful.
I don’t know - I just don’t feel like creating for others anymore – or myself. I’ve given so much of myself – I really don’t have much more to give.