I didn’t feel better. I felt like shit. Numb shit. Numb. No more. I’m done. I’m not naïve; I know how my mind works. I know when I’m slipping…I know when to pull out. I deserve to feel, whether it be joy or pain, I deserve to feel. With all my fabulous personal insights, I will have to pay close attention to remain stable. My emotions are just like anyone else, except they come with an extra punch. Somewhat more exaggerated, if you will.
If. You. Will? I can’t believe I just wrote that. Who the fuck says that? If. You. Will.
It’s been almost two and half months since I’ve stopped taking the medication. What medication…I’m sure you’re curious. I’m sharing plenty, so I’m not going to say. Besides, it doesn’t matter anyway. The point is that I get to wake up. No more numbness. Which is absolutely the worst feeling ever. Indifference sucks.
I won’t be second-guessing every move I make. It’s an easy trap to fall into. Tonight I thought it would be a good idea to make a To-Do list. Nothing “crazy” about that, right? Well, I’m feeling good, so automatically I start to wonder if this is my insane mania starting up. I’ll stop right here. It doesn’t matter what the reasoning is…I need to make a To-Do list because I have a lot of shit to do and I want to keep track of it. If this is mania – I’ll take another spoonful.
On an artful note, my supplies will arrive Thursday! Can’t wait. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy drawing on the 9 x 12 paper – but I really need to paint. Ordered an assload of canvases and staple-paints. Giddy!